WEST BROM 2 - 3 ARSENAL: THE BODY OF PAT RICE.

How do ye, mah fellow gooner friends?

How about that Man City, eh? Isn't it amazing how a team that spent one billion pounds on players and staff, have managed to win the league? We're lucky to be alive to witness an event so incredible, it would make those who aren't alive, roll over in their graves from envy. 

Oh. My. God. You guys. It's just like a Hollywood script, isn't it? NO. NO IT IS NOT! Hollywood scripts are about underdogs, shunned by society, who overcome all obstacles to save the rec center. Not about underdogs who marry sugar daddys, who will buy them the rec center for one billion pounds. 

Arsenal's future captain and my personal hero Emmanuel Y Frimpong pretty much summed it all up with this gem:  

Das propah DENCH, mate!

Ok, now that's out of the way, we can talk about Arsenal. 

I have to be honest and say that back in February, I was one hundred percent convinced St. Totteringham's day wouldn't come this season, such was the gap between us and Spurs. In terms of points and quality of squads, at the time. I thought it would be a gritty, unnerving scrap for fourth place, between us and Chelsea but as Sir. Purple Nose once so eloquently put it: Football...bloody hell.

So, after yesterday's win against West Brom and participation in the Champions League next season ensured (for the 15th time in a row), the St. Totteringham's day was a finger licking icing on a cake. Having said that, there's no way in hell I'm rooting for Chelsea in CL final on Saturday. I'd rather see Tottenham win it than Chelsea. Seriously, with Man City as the PL champions, Chelsea winning the Champions League, would make me lose whatever little faith in God I have left. Wars and world poverty haven't done it yet, but Chelsea being crowned as the best team in Europe will. There's only so much suffering one person can take.

You may have noticed, I haven't yet mentioned any details regarding the West Brom game, well that's due to the fact that I didn't see it. You see, my life is so wonderful, that working on Sunday is something that I do to satisfy my emotional needs. *puts gun to temple*. I did however, have access to multiple live blogs, which is just as enjoyable as watching a match live.*pulls trigger, forgot to load it*

Here's a little breakdown:

1. Yossi Benoyoun: If yesterday's game, was in fact, his last in an Arsenal shirt, then there's no better way to say goodbye than by scoring the opening goal in a match we have to win to secure our financial future. If he was a few years younger, I'd keep him for another season or two but he's in his early 30's and that's 85 in Arsene's years.

2. Our defense: At fault for West Brom's second and shaky all throughout. If it wasn't for the awesome Márton Fülöp , it would've been Norwich all over again. 

3. Andre Santos: His equaliser at the 30' minute mark made it a lot easier for me to breath and also, he is now my favorite gay gooner ever (with apologies to Matt Lucas).

4. The referee: I generally find it hard to criticise people who share a birthday with me, but Mike Jones was a bit more cunty than usual yesterday. First, the atrocious decision to let West Brom's equaliser stand, even though Shane Long was miles offside, then the inexplicable five minutes of injury time. 

It's fair to point out that the standards of refereeing this season have fallen below even their usual woeful self. Which brings me to the point I've been trying to make since the start of this blog. The only reason that referees keep making these mistakes is because they don't have to, at least publicly, answer for them. I've been saying it to anyone who'd listen (no one ever does) for years, that as long as referees, don't have to publicly explain their decisions, sometimes so costly and unexplainable they make you want to smash everything like you're fucking Hulk from the Avengers, as long as the FA doesn't pull its head out of its own asshole and start suspending the referees who keep fucking up (I realise that's almost all of them), then they will never get anywhere with their, cringe-worthy at this point, Respect campaigns. AAARRRGGHHHH!

5. Pat Rice: Yesterday's game should be dedicated to Pat Rice. I dedicate this post to Pat Rice. Robin van Persie should give his golden boot to Pat Rice and then sign a new contract since that's what Pat Rice would've wanted. Because, at this point, he's a part of everything this club represents and also, because he was the one, that forced Koscielny to score the winner at the start of the second half, using the power of his mind and nothing else. Everything's been said already, so I only want to say... thank you! 

And this is neither here nor there but remember the song from Southpark that Cartman sang in one of the episodes called "The body of Christ"? Well, yesterday throughout the entire day, it was stuck in my head except, instead of "Christ" it was "Pat Rice":

The body of Pat Rice 

Oh, what a body, all muscled up and toned

The body of Pat Rice

Oh, what a body, I wish I could call it my own

Lord Almighty, I've never been so enticed

Oh, I wish I could have the body of Pat Rice.

Yes! Someone should record it immediately as a tribute. This is my best idea yet.

I LOATHE FC BARCELONA WITH ALL MY HEART.

Clowns have always been Robin van Persie's biggest fear, along with Lee Mason - who apparently is cheating on his lover Phil Dowd.

I loathe Barcelona. I really, really do. They've inflicted so much pain on me, over the years. I just don't know how much longer I can take before I'll go all Jared Loughner on their asses.

I loathe the sight of that giant stadium. 99,354 seats, eh? Well, good luck filling them when  your banker friends won't be around to bail you out of your mounting debts.

I loathe their cunty, hypocritical fans. All 99,354 jeering in unison whenever an Arsenal player was down on the pitch. Oh, how sweet, they're standing up for gamesmanship, and that, despite the fact most Barcelona players go down quicker than pornstars at Charlie Sheen's house, anytime something is near them.

Which segues nicely to my next point - I fucking loathe their players. World class? Yeah. World class diving cheats? FUCK YEAH! When you're that talented, do you really have to resort to such pathetic techniques? You don't have to answer that question - it's rhetorical. 

I loathe that gaylord - Josep Guardiola i Sala. "Ooh, ooh there are players better than Jack Wilshere at my daughter's nursery". Well, maybe you should have played them. Then you wouldn't have required the "assistance" of the referee to help your €752 million squad progress.

Don't worry Robin, Aslan's gonna take care of Pep and that mean Swiss bitch, after the game.

I loathe all their owners, chairmen, presidents or whatever the fuck they're called over there. Acting holier than thou while blatantly tapping up players from other teams. Since the beginning of Wenger's reign as our manager, not a single summer has passed without them trying to unsettle our players.

Proclaiming to be some sort of footballing "business model". Barcelona is the world's second richest football club in terms of revenue, with an annual turn-over of €398 million, YET they're currently in a €442 million debt. How the fuck can that be considered a model of...anything?

I loathe all the commentators who whip out their baby penises on live TV and masturbate furiously to replays of another overrated Messi trick.

I loathe Massimo Busacca from Monte Carasso, Ticino, near Bellinzona (FYI). What an incompetent piece of shit, huh? Booking van Persie for not hearing the offside whistle in a stadium filled with 99,354 goddamn people. But you can't blame him, between the whistle and Robin's shot there was an interval of one second. OMFG! ONE WHOLE SECOND.

Someone should grab that Swiss fucker by the neck like this and stuff used batteries down his throat.

I loathe all referees in general, actually. As long as they don't have to publicly explain their unexplainable decisions or face any kind of consequence for their mistakes, sometimes so terrible and costly they simply leave you speechless, they're not going to get far with their laughable "Respect campaigns".

I loathe FIFA/UEFA. If someone told me Massimo Busacca was under orders during yesterday's match, that wouldn't surprise me in the slightest. Maybe I'm starting to feel a bit paranoid, what's with all horrible fuck-ups the officials have been making against us recently, but I'm not underestimating UEFA's greed. And few would deny that Barcelona is much more profitable and lucrative for the Champions League than Arsenal.

They don't want technology because it would ruin the traditional game. Right. I am convinced that's the reason and NOT because you can't bribe replays.

But you know what I loathe the most? People who say that the better team won.

"Uh...Barca had 175% of possession and uh...they have Messi, they deserved to win...durr"

DIE. DIE. IN A LAKE OF FIRE!!! ARRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

They didn't deserve anything! Before the Robin van Persie sending off, the score was:

Barcelona 1 - 1 Arsenal.

Yes, Barca had plenty of possession but until the red card they had nothing to show for it. Their first goal was a result of a terrible mistake from Cesc (cue the conspiracy theories) and most of their clear cut chances came after we were left with 10 men. (Inter got away with it last season and the heavens proclaimed Jose Mourinho as a tactical genius. But when almost the same thing happens to us, somehow we didn't deserve it. HA!)

10 v 12 - for almost an entire half. It was never going to happen for us. Xavi scored Barcelona's second and Messi (apparently an object more arousing to men than Jessica Alba and Megan Fox combined) scored their third - which was a penalty.

FULL TIME: BARCELONA 3 - 1 ARSENAL (4-3 agg.)

A red card AND a penalty - for the so called best team in the world to make it past a pack of Jack Wilsheres that wouldn't make Barca's reserves, according to their manager. That my friends is some food for thought.

But today is not the day for mourning. Today is the day for loathing.

And today...I loathe.

OOH-WAH-AH-AH...

(*the original pics are via daylife and jumping Pep is via)

ARSENAL'S SERIOUS PRE-MATCH TEAM PHOTO AND PARTIZAN BELGRADE.

Serious Cats are not impressed with our performances in Europe this season.

Even though our last group stage game in the Champions League didn't provide us with a performance to be proud of, it DID provide us with this weird as all fuck, pre-match team photo.

Absolutely everyone in the back row look like they want to murder you. Except Chamakh - he looks like he's about to date rape you.

Now, the front row - Sagna looks lost, Denilson and Gibbs look like escapees from a Chilean prison and Nasri and Arshavin could pass for models from the kids' section of a new Sears catalog.

I can't decide whether this picture is awesomely creepy or creepily awesome. Discuss

As for the Partizan match itself, I don't think it warrants any type of discussion since it was as mediocre as it gets but I'll discuss it anyway. I'm mysterious like that.

Anyway, the first half was rather dull, we took the lead via a Van Persie penalty, about 15 minutes before the interval and...Sir?...Sir?...Sir...yes, you...move along please, nothing to see here.

As the second half was about to start I thought to myself - Ok, although we've been pretty dreadful, so far, I'm sure we'll win this one comfortably. It's not like Partizan are causing any trouble. Hopefully Shakhtar will lose their game and...whoops. Surprise butt seks! Parizan score. It's 1-1.

Fuck topping the group, we should have worried about this stuff when we were losing to Braga. I just want to qualify. Cannot let Spurs advance further than us. COME ON SHAKHTAR!

My plea was followed by a very nervy half an hour, where I honestly couldn't tell which way it's gonna go. None of the players on the pitch looked like they could inspire the breakthrough. Thankfully, it's not 1952 and teams are allowed to make substitutions. The ineffective Arshavin was replaced by Theo Walcott, who in turn, replaced my anxiety with jubilation by scoring the match winning goal. 

There was another one, with about ten minutes to go from Nasri involving his trademark footwork, described by some on Saturday as "poetry in motion" but Theo's goal was definitely the one that sealed the deal.

Also, Sagna got sent off with about 5 minutes to go. It was a straight red which means he will miss the first leg of the last 16. I didn't think it was a red card but most people seem to disagree. Hopefully, his absence won't have that much of an impact, although the thought of Eboue as a cover for Messi or Ronaldo isn't a very healthy one.

Seriously though, I was terrified of us not making it to the knock-out stages. Mostly, because it would've relegated us to Europa League. And I just couldn't bear the thought of watching Arsenal play on Thursdays.

THURSDAYS?  NO, THANK YOU.

That's the kind of perverted shit which I refuse to be a part of.

BRAGA 2 - 0 ARSENAL: NOTHING TO BRAGA 'BOUT (HA-HA, GET IT? :)

Aslan believes the display in Braga was disappointing.

Get it? DO YOU GET IT? Nothing to "Braga 'bout"? You know, 'cause Braga sounds like brag ! Huh? What? You don't think that's funny? Does that mean no one will ever love me? Ahh :(

Well, that was shit, wasn't it? Our performance against Braga, I mean, not my headline. My headline is still awesome, unlike you. Anyway, as I was saying we were shit. Not only we didn't look even remotely interested in winning but we didn't even put enough effort into it to secure the draw that would've put us through to the knock out stages.

I thought Arsenal were better than Braga in the first half and had a couple of decent chances but didn't take them because why would they? It's only "Braga", we spanked them the last time. GRRRR!

It is incredibly frustrating because it's starting to become kind of a "thing" for this team. Where they stroll through games they wrongly assume are going to be easy. Either from the kick-off or after going two nil up. Even when they do create something, all the great chances go to waste because no one cares enough to take them or at least that's what it seems like. It's almost as if they lose self awareness as soon as they find themselves in front and it's fucking irritating, since as I said, it's slowly becoming "our thing".

Remember, like during the unbeaten season, not losing was "our thing"? Well, it's just like that, except right now "wasting chance after chance, thinking we'll win anyway due to the unreasonable overconfidence but end up losing because that's what happens to people who believe they're own hype" is our thing.

Like in a sitcom, where the two main characters have this strong sexual tension that ultimately leads nowhere. That is EXACTLY how we play at the moment. We're Ross and Rachel, Mulder and Scully, Bruce Willis and Whatsherface from Moonlighting. And we NEED to resolve that metaphorical sexual tension, as soon as possible!

Anyway, the second half was dreadful (to be honest the entire match was dreadful, but at least for the first 45 minutes we managed to look somewhat bothered).  First Cesc had to come off with another hamstring injury and now looks to be out for three weeks. Then, with about 20 minutes left Eboue was stretchered off and we had to play the rest of the match with ten men. *insert an #EboueFacts joke here*,  if you feel like it.

Shortly after Braga went on to score twice in the last 10 minutes and the way they scored the second one was especially annoying. Matheus was surrounded by THREE of our players. All that was needed for him to lose the ball was a slight tackle and somehow no one could do it. NO ONE. This honestly still boggles my mind. Why the fuck didn't they tackle him? It couldn't be because they were afraid to concede a penalty or a free kick, could it? It was the LAST minute of INJURY time for fuck's sake!

I should mention, we were denied a stonewall penalty when Carlos Vela was brought down in the box by whoeverthefuck but that shouldn't change the fact that we couldn't beat a team that lost to us by SIX clear goals, less than two month ago.

Also, Wenger has branded Uefa's five-official system "useless", he said: 

"it is absolutely useless"

The loss against Braga means we now have to win our final match against Partizan. They're bottom of the group without a single point. Terrific, especially when you consider how well this Arsenal team plays when they assume they're in for an easy ride.

Oh Joy.