02.03.1888

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QUEENS PARK GERBILS DIG DEEP BUT ARSENAL SMOKE THEM OUT.

Gerbil Cisse believes Mikel Arteta was offside for the winning goal...

Well, well, well, what have we here? Err, not an awful lot actually.

Arsenal played QPR yesterday at the Emirates but it was so uneventful, if you will, that I spent half the time thinking how uninspired and low on confidence must our squad be, if we can't even beat the worst team in the league at our place anymore?

And half the time, I was just wondering how come there's not a single photoshop circulating the internet, with Djibril Cisse's face on a gerbil's body because holy shit, "Djibril" sounds like "gerbil". Am I the only one aware of that? By the time I'd realized that Cisse wasn't even playing, it was too late.

For all its shortcomings, yesterday's match had one big positive, one huge positive, one Michael Fassbender's dong sized positive about it and that of course, was the long awaited return of Jack Wilshere. After 17 month out of the top flight football, he's finally back. I thought he was great in the first half, pulling all the strings and if we had a decent striker out there yesterday, I believe he could've racked up some assists to his name as well. According to OptaJoe, he completed all 33 passes that he attempted in the first half. That's some comeback.

The second half saw Mbia - a man with an equal amount of consonants and vowels in his name, sent off. And if there was ever a red card you would never hear anyone argue about, it was yesterday's Mbia's needless and unprovoked kicking of Vermaelen. 

Had an Arsenal player done something similar, I would've been very upset and probably, even made a lazy photoshop, portraying him in an unflattering light. I don't mess around.

Anyway, with QPR down to ten men, it's only a matter of time until we finally score, right? WRONG! Ok, not exactly wrong but Julio Cesar sure made it difficult. I can't even remember the number of saves he had to make, some of which were quite outstanding, if you ask me (no one ever asks). Why on earth is he playing for QPR anyway? He sure ain't happy about it. 

It wasn't until the 85' minute, when Arsenal finally  made the breakthrough. Andrei Arshavin's excellent pass (what?) found Giroud, who's header was saved, once again, by Julio the Emperor, Aaron Ramsey tried, unsuccessfully, to poke home the rebound. (ARE YOU TOO GOOD FOR YOUR HOME?! ANSWER ME!!!!) Arteta's header hit the bar but thankfully the ball was kind enough to come back straight to Mikel, who eventually smacked it into the back of the net.

Up the other end Vito Mannone made a wonderful save in the injury time, when Jamie Mackie cut open our defense, only to be denied by the Italian. 

FULL TME: Arsenal 1 - 0 QPR                                                                                                             

Afterwards Mark Hughes claimed that Mikel Arteta was offside for the winner, he said:

"The referee has really killed us because Arteta was clearly offside on two occasions,"
"He has conjured up some cock-and-bull story about Ryan Nelsen being off the pitch. It has cost us the point."

Was our goal offside? It might have been but here's another piece of information I got from OptaJoe:  

"Since their return to the top flight QPR have earned more red cards than any other Premier League team." 

Yesterday's red card was Mark Hughes' team's ninth in 2012, so you know what? Mark Hughes and his army of gerbils can fuck right off.

P.S. I have no hard feeling towards QPR, just Mark Hughes.

P.P.S. the picture is via.

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN. 2012/2013 ARSENAL'S HOME KIT IS OUT.

Wow, time does fly, doesn't it? Another season has passed and here we are again, with another questionable Nike effort at our hands, as the new 2012/2013 home kit is out.

Now, besides the fact, that it's the size of a Rugby kit, there are inexplicable blue stripes on the sleeves, that once again, make me wonder who the hell are those people who've been putting their stamp of approval on our kit designs, for the past several years? I really, really want to meet them and maybe, just maybe, punch them right in the balls.

For now however, remember this, boys and girls: proper accessorizing will redeem any outfit, no matter how terrible!

'Till next time.

WEST BROM 2 - 3 ARSENAL: THE BODY OF PAT RICE.

How do ye, mah fellow gooner friends?

How about that Man City, eh? Isn't it amazing how a team that spent one billion pounds on players and staff, have managed to win the league? We're lucky to be alive to witness an event so incredible, it would make those who aren't alive, roll over in their graves from envy. 

Oh. My. God. You guys. It's just like a Hollywood script, isn't it? NO. NO IT IS NOT! Hollywood scripts are about underdogs, shunned by society, who overcome all obstacles to save the rec center. Not about underdogs who marry sugar daddys, who will buy them the rec center for one billion pounds. 

Arsenal's future captain and my personal hero Emmanuel Y Frimpong pretty much summed it all up with this gem:  

Das propah DENCH, mate!

Ok, now that's out of the way, we can talk about Arsenal. 

I have to be honest and say that back in February, I was one hundred percent convinced St. Totteringham's day wouldn't come this season, such was the gap between us and Spurs. In terms of points and quality of squads, at the time. I thought it would be a gritty, unnerving scrap for fourth place, between us and Chelsea but as Sir. Purple Nose once so eloquently put it: Football...bloody hell.

So, after yesterday's win against West Brom and participation in the Champions League next season ensured (for the 15th time in a row), the St. Totteringham's day was a finger licking icing on a cake. Having said that, there's no way in hell I'm rooting for Chelsea in CL final on Saturday. I'd rather see Tottenham win it than Chelsea. Seriously, with Man City as the PL champions, Chelsea winning the Champions League, would make me lose whatever little faith in God I have left. Wars and world poverty haven't done it yet, but Chelsea being crowned as the best team in Europe will. There's only so much suffering one person can take.

You may have noticed, I haven't yet mentioned any details regarding the West Brom game, well that's due to the fact that I didn't see it. You see, my life is so wonderful, that working on Sunday is something that I do to satisfy my emotional needs. *puts gun to temple*. I did however, have access to multiple live blogs, which is just as enjoyable as watching a match live.*pulls trigger, forgot to load it*

Here's a little breakdown:

1. Yossi Benoyoun: If yesterday's game, was in fact, his last in an Arsenal shirt, then there's no better way to say goodbye than by scoring the opening goal in a match we have to win to secure our financial future. If he was a few years younger, I'd keep him for another season or two but he's in his early 30's and that's 85 in Arsene's years.

2. Our defense: At fault for West Brom's second and shaky all throughout. If it wasn't for the awesome Márton Fülöp , it would've been Norwich all over again. 

3. Andre Santos: His equaliser at the 30' minute mark made it a lot easier for me to breath and also, he is now my favorite gay gooner ever (with apologies to Matt Lucas).

4. The referee: I generally find it hard to criticise people who share a birthday with me, but Mike Jones was a bit more cunty than usual yesterday. First, the atrocious decision to let West Brom's equaliser stand, even though Shane Long was miles offside, then the inexplicable five minutes of injury time. 

It's fair to point out that the standards of refereeing this season have fallen below even their usual woeful self. Which brings me to the point I've been trying to make since the start of this blog. The only reason that referees keep making these mistakes is because they don't have to, at least publicly, answer for them. I've been saying it to anyone who'd listen (no one ever does) for years, that as long as referees, don't have to publicly explain their decisions, sometimes so costly and unexplainable they make you want to smash everything like you're fucking Hulk from the Avengers, as long as the FA doesn't pull its head out of its own asshole and start suspending the referees who keep fucking up (I realise that's almost all of them), then they will never get anywhere with their, cringe-worthy at this point, Respect campaigns. AAARRRGGHHHH!

5. Pat Rice: Yesterday's game should be dedicated to Pat Rice. I dedicate this post to Pat Rice. Robin van Persie should give his golden boot to Pat Rice and then sign a new contract since that's what Pat Rice would've wanted. Because, at this point, he's a part of everything this club represents and also, because he was the one, that forced Koscielny to score the winner at the start of the second half, using the power of his mind and nothing else. Everything's been said already, so I only want to say... thank you! 

And this is neither here nor there but remember the song from Southpark that Cartman sang in one of the episodes called "The body of Christ"? Well, yesterday throughout the entire day, it was stuck in my head except, instead of "Christ" it was "Pat Rice":

The body of Pat Rice 

Oh, what a body, all muscled up and toned

The body of Pat Rice

Oh, what a body, I wish I could call it my own

Lord Almighty, I've never been so enticed

Oh, I wish I could have the body of Pat Rice.

Yes! Someone should record it immediately as a tribute. This is my best idea yet.

14 Year Old Jack Wilshere Is Here To Make You Forget Stoke City Exits.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Remember, when a few years ago we used to call Bolton our "boogey team"? Because we always used to struggle to get results at the Reebok, and we would have half our squad out with injuries for weeks, after every single encounter with them, and they had a live Walrus for a manager and their fans were kind of a bunch of inbred cunts. But then they'd almost been relegated before their manager returned to his natural habitat and everyone just shrugged their shoulders and went: "meh". Do you remember?

Well, right now, I feel like our "boogey team" is Stoke City, except they're actually even...er, "boogier". Their fans are a bit more inbred, their manager's face is a bit more punchable and their players are a bit more psychotic (seriously, take a look at Ryan Shawcross and tell me he's not the perfect lead for a movie based on Anders Beivik's biography?).

Since Stoke's promotion back in 2008, we've only managed to win at their place once, and that was the day Aaron Ramsey almost had his career ruined forever. What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that our result today, wasn't as bad as it seems at first. Yes, not beating them is annoying. Yes, conceding a header from Peter Crouch, when we've been, non stop for the past week, going over the fact that dealing with their aerial bombardment is the only way to stop them from scoring, is annoying. Yes, the realization that that result has brought smiles to the faces of their fans is extremely irritating. But that's OK.

For one thing, we didn't lose, thank's to that sweet Robin van Persie equaliser and we still have two more games left play, to help us finish the season on a (relatively) high note.

"Hey, but what about Stoke City?" you may ask."Can they just boo Aaron Ramsey and get away with it?" you may ask. Well, don't you worry, my imaginary gooner friend. One day, the wind will blow that cap off Tony Pubis' head, Rory Delap's towel will escape, after realising that it can no longer go on living its life as a towel of Rory Delap and it will spend the rest of its days trying to suppress the memories of its past by getting high somewhere in Colorado, Ryan Shacross will be imprisoned for crimes against humanity and The City of Stoke will suffer the same fate as the Wanderers of Bolton.

The End.

P.S, I don't want to fug up the page with pictures of Britannia, so here's a picture of Jack Wilshere as a 14 year old to cheer you all up:

*original is via 

CESC FABREGAS CUT OFF IN HIS PRIME, PLAYS FOR BARCELONA NOW.

Ever since Arsenal signed Francesc Fàbregas i Soler from Barcelona, almost eight years ago, we've all been made aware (by the player himself) of the fact that one day, sooner or later, he will inevitably go back to his hometown club.

The announcement on Sunday night, that the deal had been agreed, definitely didn't come as a shock or a surprise, actually we've all been expecting it for awhile now, and yet here I am, still can't help but feel, that everything has happened...just a little too soon.

Deep down inside I was always hoping Fabregas wouldn't blindly overlook the simple truth that he, for all his talents, is a political tool for Barcelona chairmen, presidents, emperors or howeverthefuck they're called, to use at the right moment, to advance their agendas. Those fuckers wanted Cesc so much they made him pay more than 10% of his own transfer fee, FFS.
I'm not gonna go any further into it, since talking about the scummy way Barcelona people go about their business, would be redundant at this point, especially for Arsenal fans.

I've always thought that maybe the feeling of having an "unfinished business" - i.e winning the Premier League, would keep Cesc at Arsenal for a bit longer, but I guess that's just me, looking at the situation through the red and white colored glasses. Still, he's only 24 and has a long way to go, he could've easily stayed for another season or two, at the club that has made him who he is today. Oh well, I suppose there's only so much "suffering" one can take, right?

Anyway...

We've had some good times together, that home game in the Champions League against Juventus, where he bullied Vieira off the park and officially established himself as his replacement. That goal against Milan and the warm embrace of Wenger, the humiliation of Phil Brown and finally, the subsequent appointment as our captain - all of that, has made him a household name not only in the world of football, but also in the Arsenal record books.
Maybe he'll never be a "Thierry Henry-like" legend but he has, without a doubt, written his name into the history of Arsenal Football Club.

Ok, It's starting to feel like I'm writing a fucking eulogy here so I'm going to finish on a positive note: Thank you for everything, Cesc and hopefully Xavi's jizz won't suffocate you to death.
I'm not wishing you luck, though. Why? Well, because I'd rather eat dead batteries for dinner for the rest of my life that wish good luck to a Barcelona player.

COME ON ARRRSSSEEENNNAAAAAAAAALLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
(*original pic's via)

TOTTENHAM 3 - 3 ARSENAL: REMEMBER, THINGS CAN ALWAYS GET WORSE...

Not only did we concede the title to Man Utd but we're also now in third place behind Chelsea on goal difference.

Oh well, at least we keep finding new and creative ways to throw away points, so there's that.

ARSENAL'S NEW AWAY KIT IS NOT AS AMAZING AS EVERTON'S NEW AWAY KIT.

I hope that outfit will finally get me to the top of the page at lookbook.nu

Annoying, spoiled hipsters are into sports, right? Hello?

Anyway, the pictures of the new away kit came out yesterday and I have to say I like it. I like the design and the fact that it's yellow. Not just because it's a somewhat traditional color for our away kits. I just like yellow. It's a happy color. I even like the song (yeah, I know). Plus I don't particularly mind the maroon, so all in all I'm quite satisfied. I'm sure people at Nike are breathing a sigh of relief as we speak. Then they'll do more coke and order some hookers.

Most importantly though, I hope Cesc Fabregas sees it and realizes that he won't get a chance to sashay around the pitch in an outfit as fierce as this one in some stinky Barcelona.

HOWEVER, as awesome as our away kit might be, there IS a place where they take the definition of high glamour to an entirely different level, which might just sway Fabregas or any other player for that matter, to switch sides. I am talking about, of course, EVERTON FC  and their magnificent new away kits:

Just see how thrilled Tim Cahill looks, the excitement on his face says it all:

Imagination, Life Is Your Creation! LOL!!!11!!!1