NIKE HAS UNVEILED ARSENAL'S NEW AWAY KIT...FOR THE LAST TIME.

Aslan has given his approval to the new away kit.

So, our 2013/2014 away kit has been unveiled yesterday, accompanied by a not-at-all over the top "ceremony" at the Emirates. The latest and what will be the last Nike effort, as we move on to Puma.

I have to admit, when I'd first found out we'd be parting ways with Nike, I was a lot more upset than I would ever care to admit, and just to rub it in, after years and years of torturing us with monstrosities, they come out with the perfect yellow and blue away kit.

Nike is definitely trendier and all the cool kids wear it ...but hey, the cool kids hate me anyway and at the end of the day, the brand of your team's football kit has got to be the most insignificant issue in the whole fucking world, so let's just focus on what's important i.e what's happening on the pitch (although, considering our form over the last few seasons, I understand it's not always easy to do).

02.03.1888

Source.

THEO WALCOTT SCORES A HAT-TRICK AGAINST NEWCASTLE. MAKES HIS AGENT COME UP WITH A NEW EXCUSE.

Excited Turtle is super excited about Theo Walcott's hat-trick.

Well, I would not be able to think of a better way to sign off 2012, than with a ten goal extravaganza against Newcastle, even if I tried to. No. That's a lie. I can think of a hundred different ways, and one of them is NOT to end the year sitting 16 points behind Man Utd in fifth place. But hey, 7-3 against Newcastle? I guess I'll take that. You don't look a gift-Komodo dragon in the mouth, or whatever. 

Up until about the 80' minute, throughout the whole match yesterday, the commentators annoyingly kept bringing up that "epic" game at St. James' Park in February 2011, which somehow ended 4-4, despite us leading by four clear goals at half time. The pinnacle of their reminders, was Demba Ba's equalizer at the 70' minute to make it 3-3, after we'd previously gone infront three times. So, after Theo Walcott clinched his second of the evening to make it 4-3, everyone gasped in anticipation. Will the history repeat itself? Will Cheik Tioté, a man who's name sounds like it derives its meaning from "The Shire", repeat his last minute heroics? Will Joey Barton appear out of nowhere, in a puff of lung cancer-infected smoke, get red-carded and quote us some good old Nietzsche? Err...no. Although, to be honest, Theo Walcott scoring the opening goal was a bit of a nervy coincidence.

Also, if anyone else, ever, calls that nightmare from two years ago "epic" one more time, I am going to feed them the gasoline soaked, early edition of the "The Hobbit" until they choke to death. That match was a worm infested, Phil Dowd orchestrated shitfest. He awarded Newcastle two penalties, one of which, was literally  for nothing and sent off Diaby. Phil Dowd wanted to see his name on the back pages and did what was necessary. Fuck him with a donkey wiener and move on. I hate the fact that to this day, pundits/idiots keep referring to it as "one of the greatest comebacks in football". Fuck right off! But, I digress.

Olivier Giroud, replaced The Ox (who earlier on had scored our second and his first EVAH goal in the PL) at the 75' minute and had an immediate impact, scoring our fifth and sixth in the span of five minutes time, putting whatever little aspirations for another "epic" comeback Newcastle had left, beyond their reach. However, the icing on the cake was Theo Walcott's third. He was brought down in the box, their defenders stopped and with their hands in the air (like they just don't care) all turned to the ref to appeal their innocence, Walcott got straight back up and chipped the ball over Krul - hilarity insured.

What was even more hilarious is that Walcott scored his hat-trick playing centre forward - a position which according to him is the main source of the dispute in the ongoing contract talks, as he doesn't get to play in one, apparently. Ooh, I wonder what excuse his PR people will come up with, when there's an under-the-table agreement with Citeh, all done and dusted.

Afterwards, Arsene said:

"My desire is to extend his contract. He belongs here and hopefully we can do it. Should he have had a disastrous game today, it would not have altered my determination to extend his contract."

Aww, that's sweet. He's off then. Seriously though, I do sometimes wonder whether the evil in players was there all along or the agents' Voldemort curses are simply unprecedented in their effectiveness. Here's a little titbit I found in the Gurdian, written by the former Crystal Palace owner Simon Jordan in 2006, and here's what he says about Theo's agent Warwick Horton (his agent to this day):

"In October I wrote about agents looking to move teenagers well before they're ready, against their best interests. I used Theo Walcott as an example after his agent, Warwick Horton, told the press: 'He's an ambitious lad... He'd be very flattered to speak to clubs like Arsenal and Liverpool.' Walcott's agency responded, condemning my 'nonsensical bluster'. 'Jordan alleged that one of our agents, Warwick Horton, was unsettling one of Key Sports Managements' clients, Theo Walcott of Southampton, for our own financial gain. I can assure him that nothing could be further from the truth.'
Three months on, mid-transfer window, here's Warwick again. 'Theo's an ambitious lad and wants to train and play with the best players he can to try to take his career to the next level. It's been an unsettling time.' It must have been, Warwick. But I'm sure you'll get over it.
I said I'd apologise to Horton's agency if Walcott was still at Southampton by the time he was 18. Who owes an apology now?"

A Southampton fan might have thrown the "as you sow, so shall you reap" at our faces, here. And I suppose it's fair to admit that we've been the beneficiaries of the football agents' greed on more than a few occasions. But the truth is, we've been undone by it way, way more times than we've actually *ahem* enjoyed it. It's not just part and parcel of modern football, it's one giant insult to all football fans, who, through no fault of their own, feed these fucking parasites. And unless it's too late, Theo needs to get his head out of his ass, as soon as possible.

So, Happy New Year to all of you the two of you, and hopefully yesterday's performance was the taste of things to come. Because if the taste of things to come is the loss at Bradford, then we're in for a quite a bumpy ride - and the bumps are unexploded landmines, planted by the Nazis or maybe Darren Dein or Warwick Horton.
 
SEE YA NEXT YEAR!

*original pic is via

MAN UTD 2 - 1 ARSENAL: ROBIN VAGINA PUSSY AND WENGER'S LIMBO.

Robin Vagina Pussy is powerless against his mortal enemy - The Penis Wizard...

For the past several years, season after season, we've been witnessing an Arsenal team produce the kind of games we saw yesterday at Old Trafford. The kind of heartless, soulless mess, where no one puts up a fight, no one stands out, no one who's ready to grind out the result. Everyone is just riding the wave. Some, more enthusiastically than the others.

As I've already mentioned, we've been seeing it for several years now, even though the players keep coming and going. Today's team is completely different from what we had five or six years ago. Six years ago we were calling for the heads of such individuals like Pascal Cygan and Jose Antonio Reyes. Three years ago, we were convinced that Mikael Silvestre and Emmanuel Eboue were holding us down and right now it's Andre Santos and probably someone else.

Now, I do not disagree that all of the players mentioned above were/are quite terrible and we are better off without them. However, regardless of how much deadweight we've gotten rid off over the years, or how many new faces we've brought in, the ESSENCE of the team doesn't change. Season. After. Season.

It's feels like we're in a limbo, the constant feeling of "almost there". And that  worries the ever loving feces out of me.

If we went through some archives, I'm 100% certain, we would've found some matches over the past few seasons that were identical to a T', to the one, we had the displeasure of watching yesterday afternoon. Lackluster, mechanical surrender, devoid of any significant effort. Tactically - verging on clueless.

On friday, my non gooner co worker, told me he put some money on Arsenal (true story), I told him he was throwing his money away. Even though, I was secretly hoping I was wrong, I thought that a draw against Man Utd at Old Trafford would be more than just sufficient. I'm becoming less and less optimistic when it comes to Arsenal.

Remember that part in "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", where a bartender asks Ford Prefect if he plans to watch the game and Ford says that there's no point, the bartender then asks: "Foregone conclusion, then? Arsenal without a chance?" 

Now, in the book Ford Prefect says it's because the world is about to end but in reality you and me live in, there's no follow up to that dialogue. I look at the league table, I see Arsenal with 15 points after 10 Premier League games (worst start to a season since 94/95,when the team finished 12th), and I realize that Arsenal are  without a chance and it is a foregone conclusion.

There isn't a point analyzing yesterday's match. Robin Vagina Pussy scored a goal after two minutes of play, thanks to the mistake from our increasingly unreliable captain, then pretended to not celebrate "out of respect" for the Arsenal fans, I presume. Where was that respect when you were engineering a move away, from the club that gave you everything you have, and from the fans who never stopped being supportive, even though you spent 90% of your Arsenal career on a treatment table? Huh? Nevermind.

Andre Santos put on an atrocious performance. His defending is piss-poor but Wenger always claimed he compensates for it with his attacking play. Well, his crosses yesterday were worse than Clichy's and that little money grabber can't cross for shit.

Oh, and another thing Santos put on yesterday - Robin Vagina Pussy's shirt...AT HALF TIME! Who the fuck does that? I know, he's probably not the brightest crayon in the box but my god, if it's that bad, the club's PR people should've prepped the team before kick off - "what not to do in close proximity to Robin Vagina Pussy".

Now, Jack Wilshere understands this premise. That's why he sent the fucker flying with one of his tackles. Oh, Jackie boy, you know how to put a smile on a misanthropic gooner's face. Unfortunately, Wilshere was a bit too enthusiastic with his tackling yesterday, having previously earned a yellow and cautioned several times by Mike Dean, at the 70' minute mark he made a challenge on Patrice Evra - who had scored Unted's second only three minutes earlier. Now if that were me, painful tackling of Evra would be mandatory but Mike Dean (who may or may not, be Fergie's rent boy), showed Wilshere a second yellow and off he went.

Robin Vagina Pussy surrenders in fear of being kicked by Jack Wilshere...

There was a consolation wonder goal from Santi Carzola - one of the few, on this current team, who doesn't  make my blood boil.

And last but not least, there were Arsenal fans who drowned out the entire Old Trafford with the immortal: "WE LOVE YOU ARSENAL, WE DO", even when we were trailing by two goals, the chanting never stopped. I'm not sure this Arsenal team deserves it. I'm not sure Arsene Wenger deserves it.

I have always been one of the biggest Wenger supporters you will ever meet, I don't remember the number of times, I've gotten into arguments with people defending him and his record but Arsenal is starting to lose credibility with its own supporters, some of which, don't think of it as a big club anymore.

They still support it, they still sing at the top of their lungs. They just don't expect much from the team anymore. And if, at the very least, he can't make this Arsenal team, earn respect of their own fans back, then maybe we should start looking for someone who can.

Also, No matter how many goals he scores, Robin Vagina Pussy is still one giant cunt.

*the penis wizard can be purchased here
*original pics are via

QUEENS PARK GERBILS DIG DEEP BUT ARSENAL SMOKE THEM OUT.

Gerbil Cisse believes Mikel Arteta was offside for the winning goal...

Well, well, well, what have we here? Err, not an awful lot actually.

Arsenal played QPR yesterday at the Emirates but it was so uneventful, if you will, that I spent half the time thinking how uninspired and low on confidence must our squad be, if we can't even beat the worst team in the league at our place anymore?

And half the time, I was just wondering how come there's not a single photoshop circulating the internet, with Djibril Cisse's face on a gerbil's body because holy shit, "Djibril" sounds like "gerbil". Am I the only one aware of that? By the time I'd realized that Cisse wasn't even playing, it was too late.

For all its shortcomings, yesterday's match had one big positive, one huge positive, one Michael Fassbender's dong sized positive about it and that of course, was the long awaited return of Jack Wilshere. After 17 month out of the top flight football, he's finally back. I thought he was great in the first half, pulling all the strings and if we had a decent striker out there yesterday, I believe he could've racked up some assists to his name as well. According to OptaJoe, he completed all 33 passes that he attempted in the first half. That's some comeback.

The second half saw Mbia - a man with an equal amount of consonants and vowels in his name, sent off. And if there was ever a red card you would never hear anyone argue about, it was yesterday's Mbia's needless and unprovoked kicking of Vermaelen. 

Had an Arsenal player done something similar, I would've been very upset and probably, even made a lazy photoshop, portraying him in an unflattering light. I don't mess around.

Anyway, with QPR down to ten men, it's only a matter of time until we finally score, right? WRONG! Ok, not exactly wrong but Julio Cesar sure made it difficult. I can't even remember the number of saves he had to make, some of which were quite outstanding, if you ask me (no one ever asks). Why on earth is he playing for QPR anyway? He sure ain't happy about it. 

It wasn't until the 85' minute, when Arsenal finally  made the breakthrough. Andrei Arshavin's excellent pass (what?) found Giroud, who's header was saved, once again, by Julio the Emperor, Aaron Ramsey tried, unsuccessfully, to poke home the rebound. (ARE YOU TOO GOOD FOR YOUR HOME?! ANSWER ME!!!!) Arteta's header hit the bar but thankfully the ball was kind enough to come back straight to Mikel, who eventually smacked it into the back of the net.

Up the other end Vito Mannone made a wonderful save in the injury time, when Jamie Mackie cut open our defense, only to be denied by the Italian. 

FULL TME: Arsenal 1 - 0 QPR                                                                                                             

Afterwards Mark Hughes claimed that Mikel Arteta was offside for the winner, he said:

"The referee has really killed us because Arteta was clearly offside on two occasions,"
"He has conjured up some cock-and-bull story about Ryan Nelsen being off the pitch. It has cost us the point."

Was our goal offside? It might have been but here's another piece of information I got from OptaJoe:  

"Since their return to the top flight QPR have earned more red cards than any other Premier League team." 

Yesterday's red card was Mark Hughes' team's ninth in 2012, so you know what? Mark Hughes and his army of gerbils can fuck right off.

P.S. I have no hard feeling towards QPR, just Mark Hughes.

P.P.S. the picture is via.

THERE ARE VERY FEW THINGS I HATE MORE THAN LOSING TO CHELSEA.

SOON...VERY SOON...

There are three things I hate in life: stupid people, sirens and sharks*. None of them however, I loathe more than losing to Chelsea Football Club. Well, yesterday not only did we lose to Chelsea, we lost to Chelsea at home. For the first time this season. Conceding two soft goals from set pieces. Aaaand adding insult to injury, Spurs beat Man Utd for the first time since 1989. So, it is safe to say I feel rather irate.

We dominated possession, had more shots on goal and God on our side, because I assumed, God doesn't reward racists, but what do ya know?

Two weeks ago,when we played Montpellier, Arsene had decided not to rotate the defense, so it wouldn't disrupt our pretty solid defensive record since the start of this campaign. Then why the fuck was Mertesacker dropped in favor of Koscielny in a toughest game this season so far?

Kos is obviously hasn't completely recovered from his injury and I say "obviously" because it would be the only explanation for his sub par performance yesterday. I have a feeling that Wenger wanted Koscielny to pick up where he left off against Man City but was hesitant to drop Vermaelen on account of him being the captain. I don't know. What I do know is leaving out our most consistent defender on the bench is questionable at the very least.

He was at fault for the first goal as he let Torres creep in behind him to score from Mata's free kick. He was also at fault for Chelsea's winner, and by "at fault" I mean he was the scorer. Another free kick from Mata, which we failed to clear, deflected off Koscielny, right past the keeper and into the back of the net.

Mannone, to be fair, should've done better on both occasions and I think we are now seeing why Szczesny is our number one. The clean sheets at the start of the season, had more to do with the quality of the opposition, than him in particular. I don't remember him making even one save yesterday.

Now, before I get to our attacking display in yesterday's match, I just want to say one thing: *clears throat*  STOP FUCKING SINGING ABOUT RVP! He is a mercenary and a cunt and the last thing any Arsenal fan should do is bolster his already over-inflated ego. I know we're struggling a bit at the moment but he chose the luxury which only a high-tech metropolis like Manchester can offer, over us. Fuck him and move on. Unless, they were Chelsea fans who were singing his name, (it's hard to tell through the TV) in which case disregard everything I just said.

Anyway, Theo Walcott who has a decent record against Chelsea was left on the bench, with Oxlade-Chamberlain taking his place, not from the kick off, mind you. He actually came on as a sub after Abou Diaby had injured himself 17 minutes into the first half. At this point, had he not gone of injured after less than twenty minutes of play, it would've been much more surprising. I feel for the guy but the persistence of his injury problems makes him completely unreliable. We'll see what happens. 

The Ox did pretty well, I thought, setting up Gervinho for our only goal, at the end of the second half and was constantly trying to make something happen. Podolski was invisible and if I was Jamie Redknapp, I'd say literally  but I'm literate, so I won't. I swear though, towards the end of the first half I had to check the starting line-up to make sure he was actually playing. No complaints when he was subbed off after the interval.

As for Giroud, I don't even know what to say or think anymore. Everyone, including me, were pretty patient with him and after he'd ended his goal scoring drought against Coventry, on Wednesday, I genuinely believed it would finally lift his confidence and more of the same would follow. However, his stoppage-time miss yesterday, got me worried. He had only Cech to beat yet somehow, hit the side-netting. Another day, another terrible miss. For his own well-being, I hope he's not the next Chamakh.

FULL TIME: Arsenal 1 - 2 Chelsea                                                                                                       

Afterwards, Arsene insisted that "cheap goals" cost us the game (you don't say) and on leaving the Sperm Racketeer on the bench, he said:

"That is a decision which was based on the opposition we played. You can say it was a wrong one maybe..."

It was a wrong one. No maybe.

"...but I believe [that statement] is a lowering the quality of the players who played, they are internationals."

If there was no rotation against Montpellier, there shouldn't be one against Chelsea. And now you've made John Terry and Ashley Cole happy. Are you proud of yourself Arsene? Making either John Terry or Ashley Cole happy is the equivalent of clubbing a baby seal to death and it is a proven fact.

I fucking hate losing to Chelsea, have I mentioned that yet?

*That's not true, there are a billion things I hate in life. It would actually be easier for me to site things I like than the things I hate.

RiP RvP 2004-2012.

RiP RvP. The Cunt! 

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN. 2012/2013 ARSENAL'S HOME KIT IS OUT.

Wow, time does fly, doesn't it? Another season has passed and here we are again, with another questionable Nike effort at our hands, as the new 2012/2013 home kit is out.

Now, besides the fact, that it's the size of a Rugby kit, there are inexplicable blue stripes on the sleeves, that once again, make me wonder who the hell are those people who've been putting their stamp of approval on our kit designs, for the past several years? I really, really want to meet them and maybe, just maybe, punch them right in the balls.

For now however, remember this, boys and girls: proper accessorizing will redeem any outfit, no matter how terrible!

'Till next time.

WEST BROM 2 - 3 ARSENAL: THE BODY OF PAT RICE.

How do ye, mah fellow gooner friends?

How about that Man City, eh? Isn't it amazing how a team that spent one billion pounds on players and staff, have managed to win the league? We're lucky to be alive to witness an event so incredible, it would make those who aren't alive, roll over in their graves from envy. 

Oh. My. God. You guys. It's just like a Hollywood script, isn't it? NO. NO IT IS NOT! Hollywood scripts are about underdogs, shunned by society, who overcome all obstacles to save the rec center. Not about underdogs who marry sugar daddys, who will buy them the rec center for one billion pounds. 

Arsenal's future captain and my personal hero Emmanuel Y Frimpong pretty much summed it all up with this gem:  

Das propah DENCH, mate!

Ok, now that's out of the way, we can talk about Arsenal. 

I have to be honest and say that back in February, I was one hundred percent convinced St. Totteringham's day wouldn't come this season, such was the gap between us and Spurs. In terms of points and quality of squads, at the time. I thought it would be a gritty, unnerving scrap for fourth place, between us and Chelsea but as Sir. Purple Nose once so eloquently put it: Football...bloody hell.

So, after yesterday's win against West Brom and participation in the Champions League next season ensured (for the 15th time in a row), the St. Totteringham's day was a finger licking icing on a cake. Having said that, there's no way in hell I'm rooting for Chelsea in CL final on Saturday. I'd rather see Tottenham win it than Chelsea. Seriously, with Man City as the PL champions, Chelsea winning the Champions League, would make me lose whatever little faith in God I have left. Wars and world poverty haven't done it yet, but Chelsea being crowned as the best team in Europe will. There's only so much suffering one person can take.

You may have noticed, I haven't yet mentioned any details regarding the West Brom game, well that's due to the fact that I didn't see it. You see, my life is so wonderful, that working on Sunday is something that I do to satisfy my emotional needs. *puts gun to temple*. I did however, have access to multiple live blogs, which is just as enjoyable as watching a match live.*pulls trigger, forgot to load it*

Here's a little breakdown:

1. Yossi Benoyoun: If yesterday's game, was in fact, his last in an Arsenal shirt, then there's no better way to say goodbye than by scoring the opening goal in a match we have to win to secure our financial future. If he was a few years younger, I'd keep him for another season or two but he's in his early 30's and that's 85 in Arsene's years.

2. Our defense: At fault for West Brom's second and shaky all throughout. If it wasn't for the awesome Márton Fülöp , it would've been Norwich all over again. 

3. Andre Santos: His equaliser at the 30' minute mark made it a lot easier for me to breath and also, he is now my favorite gay gooner ever (with apologies to Matt Lucas).

4. The referee: I generally find it hard to criticise people who share a birthday with me, but Mike Jones was a bit more cunty than usual yesterday. First, the atrocious decision to let West Brom's equaliser stand, even though Shane Long was miles offside, then the inexplicable five minutes of injury time. 

It's fair to point out that the standards of refereeing this season have fallen below even their usual woeful self. Which brings me to the point I've been trying to make since the start of this blog. The only reason that referees keep making these mistakes is because they don't have to, at least publicly, answer for them. I've been saying it to anyone who'd listen (no one ever does) for years, that as long as referees, don't have to publicly explain their decisions, sometimes so costly and unexplainable they make you want to smash everything like you're fucking Hulk from the Avengers, as long as the FA doesn't pull its head out of its own asshole and start suspending the referees who keep fucking up (I realise that's almost all of them), then they will never get anywhere with their, cringe-worthy at this point, Respect campaigns. AAARRRGGHHHH!

5. Pat Rice: Yesterday's game should be dedicated to Pat Rice. I dedicate this post to Pat Rice. Robin van Persie should give his golden boot to Pat Rice and then sign a new contract since that's what Pat Rice would've wanted. Because, at this point, he's a part of everything this club represents and also, because he was the one, that forced Koscielny to score the winner at the start of the second half, using the power of his mind and nothing else. Everything's been said already, so I only want to say... thank you! 

And this is neither here nor there but remember the song from Southpark that Cartman sang in one of the episodes called "The body of Christ"? Well, yesterday throughout the entire day, it was stuck in my head except, instead of "Christ" it was "Pat Rice":

The body of Pat Rice 

Oh, what a body, all muscled up and toned

The body of Pat Rice

Oh, what a body, I wish I could call it my own

Lord Almighty, I've never been so enticed

Oh, I wish I could have the body of Pat Rice.

Yes! Someone should record it immediately as a tribute. This is my best idea yet.

14 Year Old Jack Wilshere Is Here To Make You Forget Stoke City Exits.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Remember, when a few years ago we used to call Bolton our "boogey team"? Because we always used to struggle to get results at the Reebok, and we would have half our squad out with injuries for weeks, after every single encounter with them, and they had a live Walrus for a manager and their fans were kind of a bunch of inbred cunts. But then they'd almost been relegated before their manager returned to his natural habitat and everyone just shrugged their shoulders and went: "meh". Do you remember?

Well, right now, I feel like our "boogey team" is Stoke City, except they're actually even...er, "boogier". Their fans are a bit more inbred, their manager's face is a bit more punchable and their players are a bit more psychotic (seriously, take a look at Ryan Shawcross and tell me he's not the perfect lead for a movie based on Anders Beivik's biography?).

Since Stoke's promotion back in 2008, we've only managed to win at their place once, and that was the day Aaron Ramsey almost had his career ruined forever. What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that our result today, wasn't as bad as it seems at first. Yes, not beating them is annoying. Yes, conceding a header from Peter Crouch, when we've been, non stop for the past week, going over the fact that dealing with their aerial bombardment is the only way to stop them from scoring, is annoying. Yes, the realization that that result has brought smiles to the faces of their fans is extremely irritating. But that's OK.

For one thing, we didn't lose, thank's to that sweet Robin van Persie equaliser and we still have two more games left play, to help us finish the season on a (relatively) high note.

"Hey, but what about Stoke City?" you may ask."Can they just boo Aaron Ramsey and get away with it?" you may ask. Well, don't you worry, my imaginary gooner friend. One day, the wind will blow that cap off Tony Pubis' head, Rory Delap's towel will escape, after realising that it can no longer go on living its life as a towel of Rory Delap and it will spend the rest of its days trying to suppress the memories of its past by getting high somewhere in Colorado, Ryan Shacross will be imprisoned for crimes against humanity and The City of Stoke will suffer the same fate as the Wanderers of Bolton.

The End.

P.S, I don't want to fug up the page with pictures of Britannia, so here's a picture of Jack Wilshere as a 14 year old to cheer you all up:

*original is via