THEO WALCOTT SCORES A HAT-TRICK AGAINST NEWCASTLE. MAKES HIS AGENT COME UP WITH A NEW EXCUSE.

Excited Turtle is super excited about Theo Walcott's hat-trick.

Well, I would not be able to think of a better way to sign off 2012, than with a ten goal extravaganza against Newcastle, even if I tried to. No. That's a lie. I can think of a hundred different ways, and one of them is NOT to end the year sitting 16 points behind Man Utd in fifth place. But hey, 7-3 against Newcastle? I guess I'll take that. You don't look a gift-Komodo dragon in the mouth, or whatever. 

Up until about the 80' minute, throughout the whole match yesterday, the commentators annoyingly kept bringing up that "epic" game at St. James' Park in February 2011, which somehow ended 4-4, despite us leading by four clear goals at half time. The pinnacle of their reminders, was Demba Ba's equalizer at the 70' minute to make it 3-3, after we'd previously gone infront three times. So, after Theo Walcott clinched his second of the evening to make it 4-3, everyone gasped in anticipation. Will the history repeat itself? Will Cheik Tioté, a man who's name sounds like it derives its meaning from "The Shire", repeat his last minute heroics? Will Joey Barton appear out of nowhere, in a puff of lung cancer-infected smoke, get red-carded and quote us some good old Nietzsche? Err...no. Although, to be honest, Theo Walcott scoring the opening goal was a bit of a nervy coincidence.

Also, if anyone else, ever, calls that nightmare from two years ago "epic" one more time, I am going to feed them the gasoline soaked, early edition of the "The Hobbit" until they choke to death. That match was a worm infested, Phil Dowd orchestrated shitfest. He awarded Newcastle two penalties, one of which, was literally  for nothing and sent off Diaby. Phil Dowd wanted to see his name on the back pages and did what was necessary. Fuck him with a donkey wiener and move on. I hate the fact that to this day, pundits/idiots keep referring to it as "one of the greatest comebacks in football". Fuck right off! But, I digress.

Olivier Giroud, replaced The Ox (who earlier on had scored our second and his first EVAH goal in the PL) at the 75' minute and had an immediate impact, scoring our fifth and sixth in the span of five minutes time, putting whatever little aspirations for another "epic" comeback Newcastle had left, beyond their reach. However, the icing on the cake was Theo Walcott's third. He was brought down in the box, their defenders stopped and with their hands in the air (like they just don't care) all turned to the ref to appeal their innocence, Walcott got straight back up and chipped the ball over Krul - hilarity insured.

What was even more hilarious is that Walcott scored his hat-trick playing centre forward - a position which according to him is the main source of the dispute in the ongoing contract talks, as he doesn't get to play in one, apparently. Ooh, I wonder what excuse his PR people will come up with, when there's an under-the-table agreement with Citeh, all done and dusted.

Afterwards, Arsene said:

"My desire is to extend his contract. He belongs here and hopefully we can do it. Should he have had a disastrous game today, it would not have altered my determination to extend his contract."

Aww, that's sweet. He's off then. Seriously though, I do sometimes wonder whether the evil in players was there all along or the agents' Voldemort curses are simply unprecedented in their effectiveness. Here's a little titbit I found in the Gurdian, written by the former Crystal Palace owner Simon Jordan in 2006, and here's what he says about Theo's agent Warwick Horton (his agent to this day):

"In October I wrote about agents looking to move teenagers well before they're ready, against their best interests. I used Theo Walcott as an example after his agent, Warwick Horton, told the press: 'He's an ambitious lad... He'd be very flattered to speak to clubs like Arsenal and Liverpool.' Walcott's agency responded, condemning my 'nonsensical bluster'. 'Jordan alleged that one of our agents, Warwick Horton, was unsettling one of Key Sports Managements' clients, Theo Walcott of Southampton, for our own financial gain. I can assure him that nothing could be further from the truth.'
Three months on, mid-transfer window, here's Warwick again. 'Theo's an ambitious lad and wants to train and play with the best players he can to try to take his career to the next level. It's been an unsettling time.' It must have been, Warwick. But I'm sure you'll get over it.
I said I'd apologise to Horton's agency if Walcott was still at Southampton by the time he was 18. Who owes an apology now?"

A Southampton fan might have thrown the "as you sow, so shall you reap" at our faces, here. And I suppose it's fair to admit that we've been the beneficiaries of the football agents' greed on more than a few occasions. But the truth is, we've been undone by it way, way more times than we've actually *ahem* enjoyed it. It's not just part and parcel of modern football, it's one giant insult to all football fans, who, through no fault of their own, feed these fucking parasites. And unless it's too late, Theo needs to get his head out of his ass, as soon as possible.

So, Happy New Year to all of you the two of you, and hopefully yesterday's performance was the taste of things to come. Because if the taste of things to come is the loss at Bradford, then we're in for a quite a bumpy ride - and the bumps are unexploded landmines, planted by the Nazis or maybe Darren Dein or Warwick Horton.
 
SEE YA NEXT YEAR!

*original pic is via

MAN UTD 2 - 1 ARSENAL: ROBIN VAGINA PUSSY AND WENGER'S LIMBO.

Robin Vagina Pussy is powerless against his mortal enemy - The Penis Wizard...

For the past several years, season after season, we've been witnessing an Arsenal team produce the kind of games we saw yesterday at Old Trafford. The kind of heartless, soulless mess, where no one puts up a fight, no one stands out, no one who's ready to grind out the result. Everyone is just riding the wave. Some, more enthusiastically than the others.

As I've already mentioned, we've been seeing it for several years now, even though the players keep coming and going. Today's team is completely different from what we had five or six years ago. Six years ago we were calling for the heads of such individuals like Pascal Cygan and Jose Antonio Reyes. Three years ago, we were convinced that Mikael Silvestre and Emmanuel Eboue were holding us down and right now it's Andre Santos and probably someone else.

Now, I do not disagree that all of the players mentioned above were/are quite terrible and we are better off without them. However, regardless of how much deadweight we've gotten rid off over the years, or how many new faces we've brought in, the ESSENCE of the team doesn't change. Season. After. Season.

It's feels like we're in a limbo, the constant feeling of "almost there". And that  worries the ever loving feces out of me.

If we went through some archives, I'm 100% certain, we would've found some matches over the past few seasons that were identical to a T', to the one, we had the displeasure of watching yesterday afternoon. Lackluster, mechanical surrender, devoid of any significant effort. Tactically - verging on clueless.

On friday, my non gooner co worker, told me he put some money on Arsenal (true story), I told him he was throwing his money away. Even though, I was secretly hoping I was wrong, I thought that a draw against Man Utd at Old Trafford would be more than just sufficient. I'm becoming less and less optimistic when it comes to Arsenal.

Remember that part in "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", where a bartender asks Ford Prefect if he plans to watch the game and Ford says that there's no point, the bartender then asks: "Foregone conclusion, then? Arsenal without a chance?" 

Now, in the book Ford Prefect says it's because the world is about to end but in reality you and me live in, there's no follow up to that dialogue. I look at the league table, I see Arsenal with 15 points after 10 Premier League games (worst start to a season since 94/95,when the team finished 12th), and I realize that Arsenal are  without a chance and it is a foregone conclusion.

There isn't a point analyzing yesterday's match. Robin Vagina Pussy scored a goal after two minutes of play, thanks to the mistake from our increasingly unreliable captain, then pretended to not celebrate "out of respect" for the Arsenal fans, I presume. Where was that respect when you were engineering a move away, from the club that gave you everything you have, and from the fans who never stopped being supportive, even though you spent 90% of your Arsenal career on a treatment table? Huh? Nevermind.

Andre Santos put on an atrocious performance. His defending is piss-poor but Wenger always claimed he compensates for it with his attacking play. Well, his crosses yesterday were worse than Clichy's and that little money grabber can't cross for shit.

Oh, and another thing Santos put on yesterday - Robin Vagina Pussy's shirt...AT HALF TIME! Who the fuck does that? I know, he's probably not the brightest crayon in the box but my god, if it's that bad, the club's PR people should've prepped the team before kick off - "what not to do in close proximity to Robin Vagina Pussy".

Now, Jack Wilshere understands this premise. That's why he sent the fucker flying with one of his tackles. Oh, Jackie boy, you know how to put a smile on a misanthropic gooner's face. Unfortunately, Wilshere was a bit too enthusiastic with his tackling yesterday, having previously earned a yellow and cautioned several times by Mike Dean, at the 70' minute mark he made a challenge on Patrice Evra - who had scored Unted's second only three minutes earlier. Now if that were me, painful tackling of Evra would be mandatory but Mike Dean (who may or may not, be Fergie's rent boy), showed Wilshere a second yellow and off he went.

Robin Vagina Pussy surrenders in fear of being kicked by Jack Wilshere...

There was a consolation wonder goal from Santi Carzola - one of the few, on this current team, who doesn't  make my blood boil.

And last but not least, there were Arsenal fans who drowned out the entire Old Trafford with the immortal: "WE LOVE YOU ARSENAL, WE DO", even when we were trailing by two goals, the chanting never stopped. I'm not sure this Arsenal team deserves it. I'm not sure Arsene Wenger deserves it.

I have always been one of the biggest Wenger supporters you will ever meet, I don't remember the number of times, I've gotten into arguments with people defending him and his record but Arsenal is starting to lose credibility with its own supporters, some of which, don't think of it as a big club anymore.

They still support it, they still sing at the top of their lungs. They just don't expect much from the team anymore. And if, at the very least, he can't make this Arsenal team, earn respect of their own fans back, then maybe we should start looking for someone who can.

Also, No matter how many goals he scores, Robin Vagina Pussy is still one giant cunt.

*the penis wizard can be purchased here
*original pics are via

THERE ARE VERY FEW THINGS I HATE MORE THAN LOSING TO CHELSEA.

SOON...VERY SOON...

There are three things I hate in life: stupid people, sirens and sharks*. None of them however, I loathe more than losing to Chelsea Football Club. Well, yesterday not only did we lose to Chelsea, we lost to Chelsea at home. For the first time this season. Conceding two soft goals from set pieces. Aaaand adding insult to injury, Spurs beat Man Utd for the first time since 1989. So, it is safe to say I feel rather irate.

We dominated possession, had more shots on goal and God on our side, because I assumed, God doesn't reward racists, but what do ya know?

Two weeks ago,when we played Montpellier, Arsene had decided not to rotate the defense, so it wouldn't disrupt our pretty solid defensive record since the start of this campaign. Then why the fuck was Mertesacker dropped in favor of Koscielny in a toughest game this season so far?

Kos is obviously hasn't completely recovered from his injury and I say "obviously" because it would be the only explanation for his sub par performance yesterday. I have a feeling that Wenger wanted Koscielny to pick up where he left off against Man City but was hesitant to drop Vermaelen on account of him being the captain. I don't know. What I do know is leaving out our most consistent defender on the bench is questionable at the very least.

He was at fault for the first goal as he let Torres creep in behind him to score from Mata's free kick. He was also at fault for Chelsea's winner, and by "at fault" I mean he was the scorer. Another free kick from Mata, which we failed to clear, deflected off Koscielny, right past the keeper and into the back of the net.

Mannone, to be fair, should've done better on both occasions and I think we are now seeing why Szczesny is our number one. The clean sheets at the start of the season, had more to do with the quality of the opposition, than him in particular. I don't remember him making even one save yesterday.

Now, before I get to our attacking display in yesterday's match, I just want to say one thing: *clears throat*  STOP FUCKING SINGING ABOUT RVP! He is a mercenary and a cunt and the last thing any Arsenal fan should do is bolster his already over-inflated ego. I know we're struggling a bit at the moment but he chose the luxury which only a high-tech metropolis like Manchester can offer, over us. Fuck him and move on. Unless, they were Chelsea fans who were singing his name, (it's hard to tell through the TV) in which case disregard everything I just said.

Anyway, Theo Walcott who has a decent record against Chelsea was left on the bench, with Oxlade-Chamberlain taking his place, not from the kick off, mind you. He actually came on as a sub after Abou Diaby had injured himself 17 minutes into the first half. At this point, had he not gone of injured after less than twenty minutes of play, it would've been much more surprising. I feel for the guy but the persistence of his injury problems makes him completely unreliable. We'll see what happens. 

The Ox did pretty well, I thought, setting up Gervinho for our only goal, at the end of the second half and was constantly trying to make something happen. Podolski was invisible and if I was Jamie Redknapp, I'd say literally  but I'm literate, so I won't. I swear though, towards the end of the first half I had to check the starting line-up to make sure he was actually playing. No complaints when he was subbed off after the interval.

As for Giroud, I don't even know what to say or think anymore. Everyone, including me, were pretty patient with him and after he'd ended his goal scoring drought against Coventry, on Wednesday, I genuinely believed it would finally lift his confidence and more of the same would follow. However, his stoppage-time miss yesterday, got me worried. He had only Cech to beat yet somehow, hit the side-netting. Another day, another terrible miss. For his own well-being, I hope he's not the next Chamakh.

FULL TIME: Arsenal 1 - 2 Chelsea                                                                                                       

Afterwards, Arsene insisted that "cheap goals" cost us the game (you don't say) and on leaving the Sperm Racketeer on the bench, he said:

"That is a decision which was based on the opposition we played. You can say it was a wrong one maybe..."

It was a wrong one. No maybe.

"...but I believe [that statement] is a lowering the quality of the players who played, they are internationals."

If there was no rotation against Montpellier, there shouldn't be one against Chelsea. And now you've made John Terry and Ashley Cole happy. Are you proud of yourself Arsene? Making either John Terry or Ashley Cole happy is the equivalent of clubbing a baby seal to death and it is a proven fact.

I fucking hate losing to Chelsea, have I mentioned that yet?

*That's not true, there are a billion things I hate in life. It would actually be easier for me to site things I like than the things I hate.

WIGAN 2 - 2 ARSENAL: SAD WALRUS HAS SOME THOUGHTS.

Sad Walrus thinks all the good work from the Chelsea game has been undone with this result.

Sad Walrus is a huge Arsenal fan. He goes to every game, as matter of fact he's a season ticket holder. He's got family and kids to feed and in these tough economic times, for a simple plumber like Sad Walrus, it's especially hard. And yet he has no doubt in his mind that splashing out 1100£ on a season ticket is absolutely worth it. Although he would never admit it.

See, our Walrus here, has become a bit disillusioned with Arsenal's form in recent seasons. He claims he isn't bothered anymore with this team. He thinks Wenger's method is outdated and he's not going to rest until the manager is sacked. He tells everyone he's only been to two home games this season and his Fulham supporting step-brother is actually the one using his season ticket. I suspect he's lying.

I know he's doing it out of love, though. Deep down inside, he's hurting. And the reason he's saying he's given up on Arsenal is because he cares. He cares a lot more than most of the other fans. He's invested a lot of money in our great club but it's nothing compared to the amount of emotional distress it has caused him over the years. And Sad Walrus deserves to be re-payed. He deserves to see that shiny trophy (any trophy) glisten in the sun.

So, I understand him, completely. I understand him demanding Arsene's head on a plate after yesterday's draw with Wigan. I mean, maybe he didn't have to make EIGHT changes to the team that outplayed the Champions. Rotation during this period is necessary but maybe five or six would've been enough. And he's the one who thought waiting until 85' minute to make a sub, even though it was evident to anyone with eyes our game desperately needed it, is perfectly acceptable. Not to mention him playing Arshavin AND Eboue on the same flank. (Yet I did. HA!)

And I understand him wanting a clear-out in January transfer window. After all, despite the eight changes, we really should've won. Every single player who was on that pitch yesterday is an experienced international (besides Denilson). Arshavin and Bendtner is our unwanted second string now? Bullshit! Those were players MORE than capable of beating a team in the relegation zone. They were lazy and uninspired, they don't deserve anything more than a place on the bench. On a park bench, which they'll have to share with a hobo.

Also, I understand him wanting a world-class defence. No team will ever win the league with a defence prone to the kind of mistakes which cost them games.

I understand. I want those things too, well some of them, at least.

But I just can't bring myself to give up on Arsenal, I don't think I could do it even if I try. Hell, I still think we've a chance to win some trophies this season. Sad Walrus had branded my unreasonable optimism as "blind faith".  And I'm not entirely sure he is wrong.

I just don't think I could ever wish for us to fail just so I could say "I told you so".

Maybe, I don't care enough.

Or, maybe Lee Probert deserves to be hit repeatedly over the head with a shovel.

Discuss.