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| Paul the Octopus is trying to predict the winner of the offshore powerboat race... |
This year's World Cup could be summed up in one sentence -
THE WORST WORLD CUP I CAN REMEMBER WATCHING! There's no need to go into detail with statistical analysis or play by play review of matches because if the main highlights of the biggest international sporting event in the world are the psychic octopus and
the French team's theatrics that any 13 year old girl would be proud of, it more or less sums it up. Nevertheless this summer we had a World Cup and there won't be another one for four years so let's discuss...
SOUTH AFRICA - THE HOST.
Probably the only country on the African continent that's realistically capable of staging such an event. Their chances of progressing beyond the group stages were always quite minimal, although they've shown themselves to be a pretty tough opponent against
Mexico, on the opening day and against
France on the last day of the group stages. They did however, suffer a pretty heavy defeat at the hands of
Uruguay but the fact they went out of the tournament on goal difference, tells its own story. So I genuinely wish South Africa good luck in 2014. Even though I really, Really, REALLY want to shove those vuvuzelas up their asses.
URUGUAY - THE SURPRISE PACKAGE.
Managed to reach their first semi-final since 1970 AND to provide the tournament's
Golden Boot winner, without anyone suspecting. Sneaky bitches.
Also, they hosted and won the first World Cup ever in 1930 and is only one of five nations to win the FIFA World Cup on two or more occasions.
In addition to that...uh....um...hm...
Natalia Oreiro was born in
Uruguay. I realize you might not know who she is (that's what
google image is for) or be familiar with her
"work" but it doesn't matter, because she looks like this:
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| Natalia Oreiro is really happy for Uruguay... |
ARGENTINA - THE BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT.
The disappointment of the tournament has got to be Argentina. No,
NOT because of their failure to make it past the quarter-finals, despite having one of the most star-studded line ups in the competition this year, that includes arguably the best player in the world, at the moment. No! No! And NO!
The reason they are nothing but a gigantic lump of FAIL is because the expected level of
crazy that
Maradona was supposed to bring with him, fell way short of the mark it could potentially have reached. Now, maybe the standards were too high to begin with but after all the delightful madness that we've witnessed over the years, is it really too much to expect something a little more
creative than
THIS???11?.
Punching a player from an opposing team, getting naked, inserting himself into the game mid-way through the second half, punching a player from his own team, bitch slapping Joachim Loew...*sigh*...ahhh, the possibilities were endless.
Oh well, all we can do now is to imagine what might have been, while sobbing uncontrollably ...
FRANCE - THE ENTERTAINER.
When the showing on the pitch isn't up to scratch anymore, there's a group of fine gentlemen that knows the true meaning of entertainment. You can count on them to risk their reputation and career to make sure the public gets what they paid for. "You should never leave the customer unsatisfied" - is what I imagine their motto must sound like.
The saddest part though, is that the embarrassing bitch fighting between a bunch of 30+ multi-millionaire prima donnas, was probably more entertaining than all of the World Cup matches combined.
Having said that, it IS kind of disappointing what's happening to the French team at the moment. For some inexplicable reason I've always sort of had a bit of a soft spot for them and not just because of an Arsenal connection. However, this time, despite there being an Arsenal interest (past and present) I simply cannot bring myself to care about them in any way.
Maybe it's the fact that they had the nerve to bully the dreamy, dreamy Prince from The Little Mermaid because he and I quote "reads books and expresses himself eloquently."
Wait what? They hate him 'cause he READS BOOKS? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Most likely, however it's because they're managed by a "keen amateur dramatist" who and once again I quote: " ...has admitted to distrusting Scorpios." Even Britney Spears read that last part and went:
Bitch, you crazy!
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| Britney's reaction to hearing Domenech's team selection. |
Also, there's THIS:
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| How U doin'? |
SPAIN - THE CHAMPIONS.
The bookies' favorites. Congratulations if you made a lot of money off this victory. You and your perfect life can both go fuck themselves. I was rooting for
Holland.
THE END.
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| Bitchface Villa's DeNiro impressions still require some practice. |
